Being offended?

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I am sure many of us have been offended and have intentionally or unintentionally offended someone. But have you ever wonder why we get offended and what makes a statement or action offensive? 

Yes, some people are hypersensitive but that is not my point. I do not get offended easily however one of the things that offends me is an insult to my intelligence, be it direct or implicit. 

The usual careless statements about religion, race/ethnicity, culture and heritage can offend a lot of people. Studies have unveiled that the evolutionary forces that have made us cooperative and empathetic, have also made us prickly and explosive (www.slate.com). This paradox ensures that as we develop the necessary gratitude to live as social being and yet still have a side of vengeance which ensures that we don't get taken advantaged of. According to author Emily Yoffe, as social creatures our lives should be ruled by the three Rs - respect, reputation and reciprocity. Respect refers to the treatment we receive and give others. Reputation refers to the perception of the qualities we posses,  and reciprocity refers to the fair response to our actions. 

However, we do not live in a highly politically correct society and hence we cannot expect the people around us to treat us the way we would like. As such my advise to everyone and to myself is to continue to treat others with empathy and the 3Rs, but also to develop the ability to not let the action of others spoil your day. 

Funeral - more than just a ritual

"I'll tell you a secret. Something they don't teach you in your temple. The Gods envy us. They envy us because we're mortals, because any moment might be our last. Everything is more beautiful because we are doomed. You will never be lovelier than you are now. We will never be here again." -Achilles, Troy (2004). 

My late maternal grandma, whom I affectionately addressed as Paathi, told me that one may skip a birthday or even wedding but one should never miss a funeral, even if uninvited. I never truly understood the intent or morale behind this until I lost my paternal aunt last December. To me a funeral is not only a tool or ritual to cope with grief,  it goes beyond acknowledging the reality of the death by being a providing channel to remember and recognise the person and his or her contributions. 

Likewise, my beloved aunt is a valuable member of the family and she deserved a pause in our busy lives to remember, celebrate and honour the life she lived and the contributions she made. My late aunt had a beautiful name and an even more beautiful heart. Her name was Vasantha, which means Happiness. She might not have been blessed with much of it but she had been blessing all of her loved ones with plenty of it. She was a spinster but she had many children, all of us - her nephews and nieces were treated like her own children. Though she had one favourite son, she was kind and sincere to all of us. 

She passed away rather unexpectedly while vacationing in India. I remember sending her off and receiving a gentle peck on my cheek as she wished me well for my upcoming Vietnam trip. I received news of her death as I was about to leave for Vietnam on a Youth Expedition Project; Chong Chong 2 which I was leading. I was in a dilemma, as much as I wanted to stay behind and do the funeral rites along with my cousin brothers, I could not forsake my team as the project will be cancelled in an event that the leader is no longer available to lead. The burden of leadership started to weigh on me. I know no one (at least not the people I care about) would castigate me for my obliged absence but I could not accept skipping the final farewell of my beloved aunt. However, I decided to honour my commitment to my team and to the Vietnamese community.  

But if given a choice, I would have definitely done things differently; only if I had a YEP recognised co-leader or had an option which would allow me to stay for the funeral and still not forsake my team. But I guess, in life we will have to make difficult decisions and we must live with the ones we make. 

Yesterday was another day with another piece of sad news, a relative (my cousin's brother-in-law's mother) had just passed away. Unfortunately, I was unable to attend her funeral which was held today as I could barely walk without assistance due to my recent cycling mishap. However, I did pause and take a moment to remember her. I do remember her for her sincere smile and her kind words "Unn Amma naalaam maa?" as she would enquire about my mother's well being in Tamil. Though we did not interact much, I always could see the motherly warmth in her  eyes.  An instance was during a Christmas party at my cousin's place, when I caught her looking over at her nephew-in laws in a fashion only a mother would, a gaze of concern and sincere care. 

May the dead rest in peace!